I'm an introvert, kinda of. I pushed myself to be a little less afraid of initiating a conversation because, even if I didn't want to, I need to cooperate with my friends and classmates in school. My father as well is well-known in our place to be very friendly so I need to somehow be able to communicate with other people especially his friends. Just saying his name to someone and they would immediately know where I live.
Because of some sad, for me, events at work, I lost some of the thought process I have to be a decent employee. I can't think thoroughly. I even get confused by a simple if-else statement. I really felt useless. So I decided to play a moba game to somehow make my brain think strategically and to wake it up. Little by little I feel like I was getting a bit better than before I started playing. But I found out that I still got some missing parts in myself. Now I got a very difficult project which requires me to be able to communicate with a USB device and read some data from it and use those data. It's nowhere near the usual things I do. I did a lot of researched. I researched for months and I still don't know where to start. Then our CTO offered some help. Our company is very informal. If we got a project, we mostly go work, work, work. Then, if the project is finished, the persons that are involved in the project kinda chooses representatives to present it to our boss. We don't even implement any SDLC on any project we make. I don't even know how a real company works. That's why a mere employee like me can directly go to our CTO and ask for help and advice, which is also our manager btw. But our CTO is also quite different (I don't know if that's just how a CTO should behave because my current work is kinda my first job). He always got his own personal projects that are related to some of our project. The bad thing about it is, because his always too focused on his own projects, he doesn't have time to read emails or look at Slack which is where I ask him questions or tell him my tiny progress. As an introvert, it's the safest way for me to send him my progress. It will take weeks for him to even notice that someone sent him a message because I think he turned off his notification.
Because of all those failures and mistakes I did, my boss, a higher-up, and my supervisor is angry at me. I don't get stressed or shocked easily. But I think what I got from all the things that happened to me is anxiety. My time after work is very important to me. During my childhood, my father didn't allow me to be a kid. He prevented me from watching tv or staying at school to be able to play with other kids. He said that I need to just study because I don't need to watch tv. And because we are poor, I don't have any way to be entertained somehow. And now that I can earn money, I want to have the most enjoyment I could get with the limited time I have after work. Because of the sadness I have, I keep on doing the things that I considered fun until midnight. I read stuff. I watch stuff. I do stuff. I really need help on that project especially from our CTO because he got more knowledge on those kind of stuff and I'm the worst employee in our company.
How can I fix myself? Can I still fix my brain? Do I need to force myself to change how I think? Is there a way to somehow get our CTO to focus on helping me? I hope did not made a mistake of posting a very long story of my life here.
